A World wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure, In Africa they didn't know what 'food'
meant. In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant, In Europe they
didn't know what 'shortage' meant. In China they didn't know what
'opinion' meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution'
meant. In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant, and in
the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!
++
WHO OWNS KASHMIR..??
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the
United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile.
A representative from India began "Before beginning my talk I want to
tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir
is named. When Rishi Kashyap struck a rock and it brought forth
water, he thought 'What a good opportunity to have a bath.' He took
off his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A
Pakistani had stolen them."
The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and in support of
Pakistan, he shouted "What are you talking about? The Pakistanis
weren't there then."
The Indian representative smiled and said "And now that we have made
that clear, I will begin my speech."
++
'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her
sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give
you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you
give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and
enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit.'
++
Indian Chief "Two Eagles" was asked by a white government official
"You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars
and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the
damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then
calmly replied "When white man find land, Indians running it. No
taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did
all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and
fishing; all night making whoopie."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled "Only white man dumb enough to
think he can improve system like that."
++
BLONDE BRAVERY
A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts
the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my
manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In
return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a
drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed
a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed
as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were
delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back
of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up 'I'll try it - just don't hit me so
hard with the beer bottle!'
++
A man, getting on in years, finds that he is unable to perform in the
bedroom. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing
seems to work. Finally, as a last resort, the doctor refers him to an
African medicine man.
The medicine man says 'I can cure this.' With that said, he throws a
white powder into a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue
smoke. Then the African medicine man says 'This is powerful healing
but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123'
and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'
The man then asks 'What happens when it's over and I don't want to
continue?'
The medicine man replies 'When your partner can take no more and is
completely exhausted, all she has to say is '1234' and it will then
go down. But be warned, it will not rise again for another whole
year.'
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.
That night
he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He
slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife and says '123' and he feels a
sudden movement in his trouser department, just as the medicine man
promised.
His wife turns over and asks 'What did you say '123' for?'
++
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a
date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please!' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the
malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach.'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know' Mom informed him.
'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose.
'Oh yes!' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends,
that's all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if
we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about
alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair
tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the
house and slammed the front door behind her.
'Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The
fucking dance is called the Twist!'
++
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend
to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this
high wind?"
"Yes, I know" said the lady. "But I need both hands to hold onto this
hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any underwear and
everything is exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied "Sir,
anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat
yesterday!"
++
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband
and asked for $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30
years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day,she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he
explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
down sizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age
of 59, he'd be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly$1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which
were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the
results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found
his voice and blurted out 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I
would have had sex only with you.'
That's when she shot him.
You know, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.!!
++
Best type of surgical patients
Five surgeons are discussing who are the best type of surgical
patients.
The first surgeon says "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says "No, I really think librarians are the best,
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in "You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.
+++
Men always have better friends. They will stand by you, no matter what!!!
Here's an example:-
Friends of Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband the very next morning, that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment overnight. So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and none of them confirm that she was with them.
Friends of Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 claimed that he was still with them!!
+++++++++
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